Danny, Suni and Pirri

Suni and Pirri
Suni and Pirri

I had a surprise visit today from two old friends.

Just in case you do not know who I am, I’m Danny the Dog. I live on a boat with my human; his name is Andrew. My friends’ names are Suni and Pirri. Suni is a fine looking human and Pirri is not so bad looking either, he’s a dog.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen them and I was happy that they came for a visit. My tail was wagging a mile a minute. Of course, Andrew being the sloth that he is, thought he’d have to do something to entertain them, which would mean getting up off his butt.

However, he got lucky. Suni wanted to go to a “dog” park so that Pirri and I could play. Now, Andrew knows that I do not play, but he kept his big mouth shut (for once) and said nothing. He was just happy that he didn’t have to go too.

I only went along because I like being with Suni. Pirri is okay, but if I was a human (thank God I’m not) I’d fall in love with Suni.

So we got to the park, and now I know why they call it a dog park. There were humans and dogs all over the place. I’m not big on humans and I’m not so fond of dogs either. But Suni had a smile on her face, so I went through the gate. If I had been with Andrew, I would have bit him.

The first thing that happened is that Suni took off my leash. Andrew never does that. The second thing that happened is that two male humans came over with their little dogs (which I hate) and asked Suni if their dogs could play with hers. But before things could progress any further, I nipped one of their precious dogs. One of the humans said that I bit the stupid thing. But it worked out, I got rid of them, but at a cost, Suni shook her finger at me and told me I was a bad dog. I know I’m a bad dog, that’s me, but I didn’t want Suni to know it.

So Suni put my leash back on and we sat under a tree in the shade while Pirri consorted with all sort of canines. Good for him, because for a little while I had Suni all to myself.

When we got back to the boat, Suni left Pirri and me out on the deck, and she went down below into the cabin. I don’t know what transpired in there, but when Suni and Andrew next emerged, they both had shit-eatin’ grins on their faces. They were probably eating hotdogs, my favorite!

So now it’s nighttime, Suni and Andrew have gone out and I’m here with Pirri. He’s okay but he’s no Suni. And when they get back, I think I’ll bite Andrew just on general principles and for hogging Suni.

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Danny and the Alligator

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We slog through the antediluvian swamp, a diaphanous mist rises from the quagmire and a miasmal stench fills our nostrils. The authorities are pursuing us, though we have done nothing wrong. Well, Andrew (my human) has done nothing wrong. I, on the other hand, bit a man, a big fat, obnoxious slob of a man. He had it coming to him; he said I was the ugliest dog he had even seen. Me, Danny the Dog!

After I bit him, he pulled out his cell phone and called the cops, but Andrew and I didn’t stick around and wait for them to show up, we hightailed out of there. Now we are hunted fugitives, with the law closing in. Andrew always told me I’d go to Doggie Jail if I didn’t mend my sorry-ass ways.

They are close now; we can hear their voices, so we pick up the pace. But the going is slow. The water is up to Andrew’s knees and up to my chin. We maneuver around a large cypress tree, and there, before us, is the largest alligator I’ve ever seen. In fact, it’s the only alligator I’ve ever seen. It has to be eighteen feet long if it’s an inch! Its mouth is wide open, showing the enormous teeth of the monster. I stop short and Andrew, who was behind me, trips over me and falls into that gaping, cavernous mouth. The alligator makes short work of him; now all that is left of my human is his right arm and part of his left leg.

alligator

Just kidding folks, Andrew is always telling me I can’t write fiction. I thought I’d show him I could. However, we did meet up with an alligator the other day and I would like to tell you about it.

Actually, there was more than one encounter. The first was three days ago. We were walking in the park where we go every morning. Let me stop and back up for a minute. As most of you know, Andrew and I live in Florida, and the park we go to has a sign saying, “No Swimming because an alligator lives in the lagoon.”  Andrew and I never believed it; we had never seen hide nor hair of an alligator. Do alligators have hair? Anyway, back to my story.

It was before daylight and we were walking along the lagoon when we heard a croaking sound, a loud croaking sound. I was intrigued by it; Andrew was oblivious, as usual. I was pulling on the leash and Andrew was a million miles away, probably wishing he was getting laid more.

As we neared the sound, Andrew came out of his coma and said to me, “Where do you think you’re going? The croaking sound that you are rushing to is made by an alligator and you would make a very fine breakfast for him.” Then he yanked on the leash and started to pull me away. I, in turn, tried my passive resistance thing, but to no avail. I was unceremoniously dragged from the park. I started to walk of my own volition only after we were outside the gates.

That was day one. On day two, we heard the croaking again, and as Andrew has given up any hope of getting laid, he heard it at the same time I did. So we left the park tout de suite (that is French for right away, all at once . . . fast).

On day three (this morning), I finally had my encounter with the alligator. It took some maneuvering, but Andrew is easy to outfox. He was intent on picking up mangoes for our neighbor Peggy and he laid the leash down for a moment. That was all I needed. Before he could stop me, I was tearing along the shore of the lagoon, hell-bent on getting to the place I had last heard the croaking.

I rounded a curve at the far end of the lagoon and came face to face with the biggest alligator I’d ever seen, the only alligator I’d even seen. He was not as big as the one in my fictional account, but still, he was big enough for me. I started to bark furiously, knowing my barking would drive him back into the water. However, a funny thing happened. He stood his ground, and he even took a step or two toward me. That, I hadn’t counted on. My first impulse was to turn and run back to Andrew, but that wouldn’t do. Then I’d lose the upper hand that I enjoy in our relationship.

While still energetically barking, I was wondering what my next move should be when the matter was taken out of my paws. From behind, Andrew snatched me up and started running for the street. I squirmed (but not too hard) letting Andrew know I did not appreciate being taken away from my quarry.

On the way home, Andrew told me that I would not get my daily hotdog when we returned home. It was to be my punishment for running away and scaring him half to death. But when we got back to the boat, he gave me my hotdog anyway and scratched me behind the ear. What softy he is.

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Danny and the Jogger

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By now most of you should know me, but for those few who don’t, I’m Danny the Dog, and every once in a while, I chronicle my exploits. Today I want to tell you all of our morning walk of a few days ago. I always take my human out for a walk in the morning; his name is Andrew.

On this particular day, I was feeling feisty. I barked at a few cars as they went by, did some good sniffing and was enjoying myself to no end. We were headed to the neighborhood park where I can revel in the many scents. Usually it’s just dogs, but every once in a while I get a whiff of a wild animal, mostly raccoons, and that’s a lot of fun. I drag Andrew all over the place as I follow their scent. We usually end up at a tree and I get up on my hind legs and try to climb the tree because I know that there is a raccoon up there. But I’m not a very good tree climber, so I bark at Andrew to go up and chase the raccoon down. But he never does it; I don’t think he can climb trees either. But I’m getting away from my story.

So, we’re walking down the street minding our own business when this human female runs right past us. Because she didn’t stop to tell me what a cute dog I was, I barked at her a couple of times. I would have chased after her and bit her if Andrew hadn’t had me on that damn leash of his. You see, I’m used to females of the human species stopping to tell me what a cutie I am. I tell you, I was insulted, but I got over it quickly because just then I picked up a good scent off to the side.

A few minutes later, we got to the park, and who did we see but the female runner, and she was headed toward us. I was getting ready to let out with a loud bark when she stopped right before me, bent down and said, “What a little cutie, what’s his name?”

Now, I have to tell you about Andrew. He’s not very good around females. I think it’s because they always make a fuss over me and ignore him. Anyway, the female is waiting for an answer and Andrew is tongue-tied. Finally, he tells her my name and she rubs the top of my head. So I decided not to bite her.

She then told Andrew that she lived with a six-month-old dog by the name of Cinnamon and that she would like to introduce her to yours truly.  For a minute, I thought Andrew was going say something stupid like we had to get home or something like that. Then I would have had to bite him. But he came through and told her we would like to meet Cinnamon. So the female invited us home for something called coffee.

I guess coffee is just another word for dog biscuits because that is what I was given when we went into her house. Then we went to the back yard and I met Cinnamon..IMG_2472

As Cinnamon and I got to know each other, Andrew and the female sat on the porch and watched us cavort.

Now we go over there every day. I play with Cinnamon and Andrew plays with the female. But humans don’t know how to play. They just sit there and watch us, drink a brown liquid and talk. I tried to tell Andrew that there are great smells in Cinnamon’s yard, but he doesn’t seem to care. For ten years, I’ve been trying to educate him on the finer things in life, but he just doesn’t get it.

Danny’s Training

IMG_2459Today I’m writing to my fellow dogs. I want to tell of how I trained my human, his name is Andrew.

I started the training right away, right after I adopted him. We were in the back yard and I was running around sniffing all the wonderful scents and enjoying being a dog when Andrew called me over. He had a ball in his hand and he threw it to the other side of the yard. Then he said “Fetch” and added, “Go get it boy!” So that’s what fetch means.

Well, I just looked at him and thought, If you wanted the ball so bad why did you throw it away to begin with? After Andrew fetched the ball and threw it a few more times and fetched it a few more times, he got the idea that I’m not a ball chasing kind of dog. I know some of you like to chase balls and sticks, but not me.

Next, I had to train him when we took our walks. We all know that walks are not for exercise, doing your “business” or to enjoy the scenery. Walks are for sniffing where other dogs have gone before. But humans just don’t get it.

At first, Andrew would let me sniff for a few seconds and then tug on the insidious leash he makes me wear. But I planted my feet, all four of them, firmly on the ground. The only thing that moved was my collar when it slipped off. Then he bought me a chest harness. It’s green and looks good against my brown fur if I do say so myself. Anyway, that didn’t work either, I just dug in deeper. Now Andrew waits patiently while I get my sniffing done.

The last thing I want to tell you about is what Andrew calls my passive resistance. You all know how much fun it is to roll around on the grass. Well, I happen to like it more than most dogs. And when I’m done, I lay there with a smile on my face. Of course, Andrew is always in a rush to get home. But I’m not moving until I’m ready, so he drags me along the soft grass like a sack of potatoes (it feels good) until he sees I’m not getting up. Then I’m left alone to get up under my own volition. I got that idea from reading a book about some guy named Gandhi.

Okay, that’s it. Now get out there and train your humans. They will thank you for it and be much happier.

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